


Remember?

by TheDeadAreWalking



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 16:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeadAreWalking/pseuds/TheDeadAreWalking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you remember Connor?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I hurt myself

**Author's Note:**

> Well I'm sad.

Connor my love, 

I write this to you in hope that you will understand. I don't think your going to but I wish that you will. I love you. That's the reason why I did what I've done, do you understand? No I guess you don't. Let me start from when we were small and lived in Ireland. You remember? Once remember when we were 5 and I thought I could jump my little bike over the creek and you told me I couldn't but I know I could do it. 

I couldn't. You knew it before me. You stood and watched as I pedaled and knew I wouldn't make it. You told me if I hurt myself you wouldn't help me. 

I hurt myself. 

I fell and the second I cried out your name you bolted down into the water and pulled me out. I sat and cried Connor. You thought I was crying because I hurt myself. I wasn't. I was crying because I thought you weren't going to save me. 

Do you remember?

How about a few years later when we were 12 and I picked a fight with a big kid and got my ass handed to me? 

Remember? 

You told me to let them go. You said no mater what they said it wasn't worth it. You left started to walk away from me. It hurt Connor. It really did. Then the leader punched me square in the jaw I saw stars. 

I hurt myself. 

He kicked me in the stomach it took the wind from me. But then you came running back. You screamed and beat them all within an inch of their lives then you carried me home. 

That was a good fight. 

Remember? 

When we were about 17 I started to cut myself. 

You remember that, right? Don't you?

I don't think you do. The knife would crave into my wrist is watch the blood drip from them. I keep it a secret. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know. I was so alone. 

Then one night when you said you were out with your girlfriend you came home early and saw me laying on the bed sobbing holding my wrist. That night I had went deeper than ever. 

Remember? 

You cried. Begged me to tell you what you did wrong. I wouldn't tell you and you slapped me across the face told me never to do it again. I lied and said I wouldn't. You patched me up nice and neat and we acted like it never happened. 

Remember? 

I hurt myself, Conn.

Then a few weeks later you seemed to forget? Remember? Yea you did. You left me forgotten again. Went back to your girlfriend. One night I told you I was heading out for a few hours. I guessed you would go to her house but you didn't.

You brought her over. 

Into our room. 

Do you know what I bought? 

New razors. I used them that night. 

I opened the door to our room and I saw you with her. She had her legs open and you pounded into her. 

I saw you Connor. 

I closed the door and ran. 

I ran. 

I ended up in the woods. I sat and cut. I cut my arms my wrists....my legs...anything I could get the razor to I cut it. 

I came home hours later to and a room with you laying in bed reading. You looked up and smiled. I smiled back feeling blood run down my legs and belly and chest. You didn't even know. You didn't care. You fucked her. That's all you cared about Connor. Not me. YOU DIDNT CARE! 

I hurt Connor. 

It hurt. 

I never swam again. You seemed really confused because I loved it but I couldn't I was covered in scars all the time. You never saw. You never cared. You didn't even show up for dinner most nights. 

I was shocked when you wanted to move to America with me. I didn't even understand. I knew you were but why bring me. You didn't even talk to me anymore. 

Was that why? Where you guilty? 

I hurt myself. 

So I came with you. It seemed ok. It really did. I was happy again. We found doc we drank and laughed and I stopped cutting. 

I hadn't been that happy in years. My scars had faded I even started to forget. 

Remember? You have to Connor. Please remember. 

Then I noticed that I started to change. I would watch you. More than a brother should. It was wrong. I know. 

And it hurt. 

And it started again. 

And I cut. 

Deep. 

So I ignored it and you didn't notice. What happened? When did you stop noticing? You always did. Always. 

What changed? 

So Connor I leave you tonight asking. Do you remember? Do you remember me Connor? Will you? I love you, you know. More than anything even if you didn't. 

I cut. Deep. Too deep. 

It hurts. 

Goodnight Connor. 

Remember?


	2. I couldn't save him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor after reading the note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading.

A single sheet of white paper fluttered to the ground. It was the only noise for now in the small apartment which at the moment Connor felt like it was squeezing him.

The ground shook under Connors legs as he fell to the floor. He felt the blood getting soaked up by his clothing and he didn't move.

It seemed like hours until he blinked his eyes out of the glaze and the first thought came into his head.

"He's gone."

Then as if everything started playing in fast forward he was next to his brothers corpse crying.

He cursed every god, saint, and angel he could name.

His brothers face was chipped and faded like old paint. Connors heart was empty.

_"Do you remember?"_

No Murphy half those things I don't remember but right now I remember each one. Each memory rush over my eyes and then stopping at this point in time.

Connor sat there. Right next to his brother. He took his head and rested it on his lap stroking the sticky hair to the side and looked straight forward.

Connor thought. He knew his brother had some troubles in his teen years most kids did it wasn't any big deal. He played the role of big brother and saved him and then continued on with his life.

Only he didn't save him. He killed him. His eyes shifted from there home on the opposite to his brothers wrist.

Two even cuts. Starting at the wrist and ending at the elbow one on each arm with a kitchen knife across the ways.

Connor didn't cry. Not yet he didn't deserve to cry.

So Connor sat until the darkness came and the only light was from the small lamp by which Connor found the note.

 

*flashback*

Connor walked into the apartment extremely happy. He had been out with his new lady all night and was riding a post sex high. On his way home he felt a sickening twist in his gut he blamed it on the drinks.

Then he saw Murphy. He was laying in the middle of the room on the floor his back turned away. Connor shook off this coat and flung it somewhere.

"Damn it Murph, I told you to stop drinking so much," Connor walked over laughing and kicked his brother back lightly. Murphy feel onto his back and Connor saw it all. He was sick. He threw up all over the floor across the room while walking to his bed to get towels to try and save his brother.

He noticed on table between their beds in front of the lamp was a note he picked it up and shoved it in his pocket.

It was too late. The moment Connor came into the room Murphy died.

Connor kneeled down and checked for a pulse. Nothing. He dropped the towels and stood up staring at his dead brother and slowly pulled the paper out of his pocket and began to read.

*flashback over* 

Connor thought about a lot if things that night. He thought about his brothers laugh.

Although the more he thought about the more he noticed he had heard his brothers laugh in a long long time.

He thought of his brothers smile.

But again he didn't see it much.

He thought of the side glances they'd give each other when they had an inside joke and how Murphy would smirk and that mole on the side if him mouth would flick up.

But they didn't have an inside joke in years.

It had been years since he really saw his brother alive.

His brother died a long time ago and he had his chance to save him. He could have saved him.

Connor MacManus didn't save his baby brother.

That night that knife looked very welcoming.

That night Connor MacManus couldn't save himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't think this is the end. I'm planning on adding another chapter. An AU of this one if you will. It will make this chapter void and have it start after chapter 1. Anyone game?

**Author's Note:**

> Are you sad bro? I cried.


End file.
